Deeper Than Most

Well here I am again, having completely lost motivation for most everything. I consider keeping the kids and animals alive a success, with little to no emotional scarring. My personal training certification materials sit, closed, on the nightstand, gathering dust. My running shoes stay seemingly frozen in time in the back of the closet, askew from when I threw them in there a few weeks ago.

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I really don’t know what happened or why I seem to continuously get myself into the stupid abyss of BLEH. Ironically, a few months ago, I reached out to Behavioral Health and spoke with some counselors (therapists? honestly, it could have been the front desk clerk and I’d be none the wiser.) I felt better little by little, and eventually started ignoring their calls because ‘I WAS TOTALLY FINE AND NOTHING WAS EVER WRONG ANY MORE, GUYS!!’ – so much so that I became increasingly annoyed when their caller ID popped up on the phone, which is dumb, because it’s their JOB.

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Then, out of nowhere, like a sucker punch to the jaw, a switch flipped and there I went. Completely uninterested. Shit always seems to get to me, and I don’t know why I let it. I’ve written about this in the past, and I really don’t know exactly what it is. Right now, in this very moment, I feel as though I’m just being lazy and refusing to work on myself. But, WHY. Why do I do this? Why do I let ‘me’ talk me out of yoga, lifting, or running? Why do I let ‘me’ snap at the kids when they’re just being kids? Like previous times, friends used to my reaching out, continue to reach out and I ignore them or skirt right on past making commitments. I don’t get it. People care for me, yet here I am, willing my phone to spontaneously combust into flames so I have an excuse. Wallowing in my own bullshit. Sigh.

As a disclaimer – I will say that I don’t feel like this all of the time. It ebbs and flows, which confuses the HELL out of me. Is it depression? Anxiety? I don’t have a freaking clue. What makes this paradox even more frustrating is that one day I will wake up and LOVE everything again. As quickly as the black cloud came, it will leave. I will lace up the shoes like nothing happened, insist on mommy/daughter dates, and fill up the social calendar while scoffing at my husband when he says there’s too much going on.

This time around, I have made a valiant effort to try and not let it get to me. Though my intentions are purely selfish [i.e., not falling further into my hole] it has been working. I am again reaching out to my global little group of masterminds that fill my heart with energy and drive. I am suggesting play dates (!!) in public places (!!!) and stepping completely out of my comfort zone. During conversations I try desperately to ask a million questions and validate that ‘yes, i am doing the thing! totally doing this and rocking socialization’. Yes, sometimes it backfires. But sometimes it’s worth it. I can see and FEEL the light trying to hard to shine.

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A little part of me died when my Abue passed. She was so full of life, fun, charisma, spitfire, and a million adjectives more. I could go on and on, but well into her 70’s she would accompany her grandkids to hookah bars and out last them by hours. People have a way of shaping your life, without you realizing it. As a child, I knew I could skip my mom, if Abue was around. I now know that it is a quasi rite of passage in family dynamics, but it was ‘SO COOL’ when Abue let me get away with ‘it’. As a teen, when everyone sucked and I was seemingly angry at nothing, Abue saw right through it. I remember to this day, her telling me to follow my heart, my dreams, my aspirations. To be writing this and feeling the shit storm within me feels so contradictory to how she lived!! I went off on a tangent… To be honest, it’s not fair to her, ha!

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Anyway, if you’re reading this and feel sorry for me – don’t. I read so many blogs/Tweets/Facebook posts that seem to be **perfect** all the time, and to me it is not very realistic. I’m not saying that perfect people don’t have their hardships, and maybe this post is considered airing dirty laundry but it’s what makes blossoming THAT much more beautiful to me. Those born with a silver spoon in their mouth, being handed everything in life will learn nothing. On paper, my life is perfect. And, I would agree. I just wish my mind would learn to play along as well. But hey, no mud, no lotus, right?

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I promise my next post will be back to normal. And, if you’ve read in the past – you know it will be. It’s just how my tiny little corner of the internet works.

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Deeper Than Most

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