Where to even begin…
I will start off by saying 2014 is a year I fully intend on NEVER repeating, not even in the most remote sense. I promise this isn’t your typical “OMG totes less sugar in 2015!!” resolution. Looking back on the majority of the year, I come to the sick realization that I can only remember bits and pieces, like a stranger looking in on a foggy memory. Though I do remember happy memories (thank you TimeHop), I would be amiss if to ignore the elephant in the room – I remember a lot of misdirected anger, sadness, and even resentment. Towards little things, towards big things. I would feel it at first, like a tiny jelly bean, just nudging me inside mentally. One event after another, my mind and mouth too stupid to actually SAY something; what I’m feeling, anything, because that’s too girly or whatever excuse I had on hand at the time. For the sake of ‘vague-blogging’ you can guess it had to do with personal life, let’s just get that admission out of the way. Eventually that tiny jelly bean would tailspin out of control until I basically resembled a shell of my former self and I admittedly threw. in. the. fucking. towel. In every sense of the word, I gave up. But others did NOT give up on me, even when things seemed the most bleak.
Friends that meant well, knowing the nonsense I was going through, would often call for play dates or simply talking it out. Temporarily ‘fixed’, I was (and still very much am) eternally grateful for them, until I needed to whine to them over monotonous ramblings, yet they sat there with every ready advice and a listening ear. Again, eternally grateful. Unfortunately this meant ignoring other friends, as I closed myself up to everyone else, even family (gulp.) – especially those that didn’t deserve it. In 2014 I learned who and who I could not trust. It took a lot of mental energy to simply make it through the day, and even MORE energy to look around and tearfully realize the people I thought would be there, in fact, were not. Without sounding too dramatic, I have learned to keep things at arm’s length now, and whatever my bubble is made of, had to grow a bit stronger. But, my family is intact, and stronger than ever; something I did not picture last summer. Thank GOD for forgiveness (so much of this), laughter, tears and my husband. Seriously the man deserves a medal.
Eventually came the breakthrough. Aren’t those wonderful? LOL… like when you’re watching a show and you realize the antagonist is actually the golden boy everyone loves, or you’re building a STUPID Ikea cabinet and you finally freakin’ realize they gave you extra knobs, those funny Swedish jerks! I started working out again (read: not running), gained a cat, let certain extracurricular go, stopped going to church (yes. yes. I know how this sounds…)and found a couple of *new and improved!!* friends that I still cling too like leeches. Long sob story short, I finally started being a normal, functioning adult.
Late 2014 came to be even better, because the happiness continued. The communications came through clearer, and everything ebbs and flows the way it should. So thankful for that. If you feed something, it will grow – you decide what you feed; your anger or your happiness. I will not lie, there are days where I mope around snapping at the poor dog for breathing loudly; but more often than not, things are good.
I finally knew I was coming around to being my former self when I spent four hours driving around town looking for running shoes. The further away the shoes slipped out of my reach, the more defeated I became. After the third sorry excuse for a sporting good store I went too, I sat in the car, and proclaimed loudly that, “I JUST WANT TO RUN.” Boom. Yet another layer of the icky 2014 was shed, just like that. I have new shoes, and have run happily a few times this year, and am happy to see where 2015 takes me.
Running wise, I have a lot of work to do. I am eyeing some half marathons in the area, lusting over some trail races, but nothing is set in stone just yet.
I also realized recently I missed writing. Even when things were tough and weird and spiteful, I would write, momentarily feeling better. I have toyed with the idea of blogging again for a few weeks, and here I sit, 768 words later. So thanks for making it this far, and hopefully I’ll give you substantial reading material (hi mom.) littered with PR’s and many race recaps. Or not. Back to the Old Self I go!!!!