If you’re anything like me, you taught yourself how to gracefully saunter through out your Hollywood-esque type kitchen, never really reading a recipe – just making things out of the blue, completely from scratch; a taste of Heaven with every bite melting in your mouth. Your apron is never dirty, the fridge is always stocked, and you’re never out of vanilla extract. No?
Yeah. Me either. [dislcaimer – I don’t even own an apron, and am currently OUT of vanilla extract]
I kind of just… well, came about cooking. I don’t remember the first dish I put together – in reality I probably ‘helped’ make scrambled eggs when I was like, 5. I wasn’t making souffles [uuuh, still not something I’ve even attempted], nor was I mastering risotto. Seriously, what IS rissoto??! Is it a grain? Is it pasta? I just know they cook it a lot on Hell’s Kitchen.
Whatever. You get my drift. With the awesome-sound-my-own-horn-because-this-is-AMAZING dishes I have managed to recreate […I don’t make my own recipes, I lack the imagination for that] I have also had my fair share of kitchen blunders and I have also made less than stellar observations. Enjoy. Maybe it’ll teach you a thing or two.
– It is impossible to put potato chunks into boiling water gracefully. I do it with the same finesse as ripping off a band aid – just do it quickly and with a grimace on your face, praying you don’t get boiling water all over you.
– When ‘they’ say "melt chocolate 30 seconds at a time" they DO NOT mean “screw it, leave it on high for 2 minutes anyway”. Not following this direction will leave you with burnt goo exploding all over your microwave before you even realize it. PS – burnt chocolate will stick to your microwave like a you know what, so seriously, heed this direction.
– Somehow, the light bulb on the inside of the fridge is still very warm and its possible to get a minor burn from it. Just take my word for it. You might also spill a jar of red cabbage on the floor from your shocked reaction. Seriously.
– If you have your vinegar and oil in those nifty spout thingies sitting next to your stove, note a recognizable difference between the two. If not, you’ll end up putting vinegar where oil should go, like say for instance, your mothers birthday cake. You also might not realize you made this mistake until AFTER you have baked the cake. How I didn’t smell the vinegar I have no clue.
– Magically, if you forget to set your kitchen timer, you will eventually be reminded by your fire alarm. Or, hopefully, beforehand, in the form of your muffins/scones/whatever burning, queuing that alarming sense that goes off when you realize "OHMYGAWSHiforgottosetthetimer".
– If making prime rib for Christmas dinner in effort to impress your inlaws, just know that when you broil the rib itself, the fat will splash out in EVERY which way imaginable, coating your oven in melted meat fat. Also, don’t forget to follow the recipe and drop the temperature so you don’t have a 4 lb. hunk of meat burning away in your oven. This creates a less than festive odor throughout the house, and you may or may not resort to the only local Thai joint in town opened on Christmas Eve. [in my defense, I actually managed to make a darn good prime rib, and we didn’t have to do the latter, but we DID have to air out the house, in the middle of winter, in Oklahoma…]
– If you are blessed to have a newborn in the house, and you are taking sweet, loving care of said newborn, know that your memory/nerves/brain are completely useless from lack of sleep. So when you tell your husband that you will make him mac’n’cheese, you will actually: boil a pot of water, put the macaroni’s in, promptly fall asleep on the couch while your infant is sacked out in her little swinging pod thing, and the macaroni will do nothing but turn to complete MUSH. Silver lining? You have a packet of processed cheese. [disclaimer – this cheese is not good for making impromptu ‘grilled’ cheese sandwiches.]
I’m sure I could sit here all night and amuse/horrify you with my kitchen antics. I am not saying these days are behind me, but my track record living here in Washington [since March, thankyouverymuch] is squeaky clean. I also solemnly swear that if I ever have you over for dinner, I will cook you a memorable, 3 course meal and if it happens to go kaput I will treat you to an equally awesome dinner.