Well friends, you are lucky [or unlucky, however you want to look at it] I am sitting here, and not being quarantined by men in HAZMAT suits. Nevermind the run, it was fine, especially the impromptu speedwork…
There I was. Quiet neighborhood here on base. Fog so thick, in some spots you cannot see but maybe 20 feet ahead. I was minding my own business, scanning what was ahead of me. In my peripheral vision, I see a random black blob. A black bob, waddling along. A black blob, waddling along, marked with a WHITE STRIPE down it’s spine. “OHMYGAAAAAAAAAWD” My brain screamed at me, and my legs kicked into high gear as if they had a mind of their own. I heard the skunk scatter away, and I about peed myself. I didn’t slow down for about a half mile. You would think one spotting of this little bastard of a beady eyed creature would be enough, but you would stand corrected as I had TWO more sightings. They were farther away, so I didn’t freak out as badly… BUT on my way back, I also spotted this THING that looked like a dog/coyote hybrid mix just staring at me. Needless to say, I was glad I was done with that run. I spent more time focusing on random wildlife, than I did on my actual run. I have come to the conclusion that anything beady eyed deserves to be put into a box and shipped to some deserted island. Aforementioned to include, but not limited too; Taylor Swift, rats, skunks, Eddie Cibrian, and ferrets.
Anyway, I scampered off to Google and started researching. My first entry into Google was “what are skunks good for”. I was sent to a link with suggestions on how to co-exist with skunks. ‘Ok, I will open my mind a bit and consider this’, I thought. Dumb idea. Some examples…
1. Do not leave pet food outdoors at night. Um, ok. I don’t know anyone who does this anyway, except for crazy cat lady in San Antonio. Which, by the way, whatever food she set out was eaten by cats so whatever.
2. Great-horned owls are the skunks’ only predator. Blow-up or plastic great-horned owls may be strategically placed and periodically moved to deter the skunks. I am weary to search for ‘blow up’ or ‘plastic’ ANYTHING on a government computer… plus, what am I to do, wear a hat with a plastic owl on it? I might as well go back to the treadmill. I can make an ass of myself there just as well.
3. Moth balls or ammonia soaked rags may also force the skunk into relocation. Seriously?!?? Right. Because ammonia soaked rags are exactly what I need taped to my body.
4. Keep pet doors closed at night to prevent “illegal entry” by a skunk. Doesn’t this just seem like common sense? Have you NOT seen the video of a DEER getting through a pet door??!
5. Tomato juice, vinegar and douche will neutralize skunk odor on pets and people. OK. Tomato juice does nothing. The best mix is hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dish soap. These people just want you to smell awful. Cover myself in douche? RIGHT.
Then I found the “Benefits” section.
1. Rodent and insect control
2. With their slow, waddling gait and bushy tail, these gentle mammals are delightful to see from a distance
Seriously? That’s all you bring to the table? Rodent/insect control, and they’re cute. OK. I do not think they’re cute. They’re effing ugly, and have the ability to make you smell like shit.
Conclusion – I hate skunks. Screw you, Pepe LePew and your pimpish, arrogant ways. Until you’re sent out in that box I was talking about, I will run with a plastic owl on my head, with ammonia soaked rags pinned to my body; Amphipod in one hand and douche in the other. Cripes, his running habit is becoming more and more of a hassle every day.