Deeper Than Most

Well here I am again, having completely lost motivation for most everything. I consider keeping the kids and animals alive a success, with little to no emotional scarring. My personal training certification materials sit, closed, on the nightstand, gathering dust. My running shoes stay seemingly frozen in time in the back of the closet, askew from when I threw them in there a few weeks ago.

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I really don’t know what happened or why I seem to continuously get myself into the stupid abyss of BLEH. Ironically, a few months ago, I reached out to Behavioral Health and spoke with some counselors (therapists? honestly, it could have been the front desk clerk and I’d be none the wiser.) I felt better little by little, and eventually started ignoring their calls because ‘I WAS TOTALLY FINE AND NOTHING WAS EVER WRONG ANY MORE, GUYS!!’ – so much so that I became increasingly annoyed when their caller ID popped up on the phone, which is dumb, because it’s their JOB.

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Then, out of nowhere, like a sucker punch to the jaw, a switch flipped and there I went. Completely uninterested. Shit always seems to get to me, and I don’t know why I let it. I’ve written about this in the past, and I really don’t know exactly what it is. Right now, in this very moment, I feel as though I’m just being lazy and refusing to work on myself. But, WHY. Why do I do this? Why do I let ‘me’ talk me out of yoga, lifting, or running? Why do I let ‘me’ snap at the kids when they’re just being kids? Like previous times, friends used to my reaching out, continue to reach out and I ignore them or skirt right on past making commitments. I don’t get it. People care for me, yet here I am, willing my phone to spontaneously combust into flames so I have an excuse. Wallowing in my own bullshit. Sigh.

As a disclaimer – I will say that I don’t feel like this all of the time. It ebbs and flows, which confuses the HELL out of me. Is it depression? Anxiety? I don’t have a freaking clue. What makes this paradox even more frustrating is that one day I will wake up and LOVE everything again. As quickly as the black cloud came, it will leave. I will lace up the shoes like nothing happened, insist on mommy/daughter dates, and fill up the social calendar while scoffing at my husband when he says there’s too much going on.

This time around, I have made a valiant effort to try and not let it get to me. Though my intentions are purely selfish [i.e., not falling further into my hole] it has been working. I am again reaching out to my global little group of masterminds that fill my heart with energy and drive. I am suggesting play dates (!!) in public places (!!!) and stepping completely out of my comfort zone. During conversations I try desperately to ask a million questions and validate that ‘yes, i am doing the thing! totally doing this and rocking socialization’. Yes, sometimes it backfires. But sometimes it’s worth it. I can see and FEEL the light trying to hard to shine.

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A little part of me died when my Abue passed. She was so full of life, fun, charisma, spitfire, and a million adjectives more. I could go on and on, but well into her 70’s she would accompany her grandkids to hookah bars and out last them by hours. People have a way of shaping your life, without you realizing it. As a child, I knew I could skip my mom, if Abue was around. I now know that it is a quasi rite of passage in family dynamics, but it was ‘SO COOL’ when Abue let me get away with ‘it’. As a teen, when everyone sucked and I was seemingly angry at nothing, Abue saw right through it. I remember to this day, her telling me to follow my heart, my dreams, my aspirations. To be writing this and feeling the shit storm within me feels so contradictory to how she lived!! I went off on a tangent… To be honest, it’s not fair to her, ha!

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Anyway, if you’re reading this and feel sorry for me – don’t. I read so many blogs/Tweets/Facebook posts that seem to be **perfect** all the time, and to me it is not very realistic. I’m not saying that perfect people don’t have their hardships, and maybe this post is considered airing dirty laundry but it’s what makes blossoming THAT much more beautiful to me. Those born with a silver spoon in their mouth, being handed everything in life will learn nothing. On paper, my life is perfect. And, I would agree. I just wish my mind would learn to play along as well. But hey, no mud, no lotus, right?

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I promise my next post will be back to normal. And, if you’ve read in the past – you know it will be. It’s just how my tiny little corner of the internet works.

Deeper Than Most

The Most Trivial Post of 2016

Well so far, 2016 has been interesting.

I’m drafting another post that I’ll hopefully publish soon, but it is in the same vein of the previous post, and I figured I would split the sadness up with a trivial post, so here it is. Foreshadowing!

24 days in, and I’m already rocking my resolutions. One I didn’t mention in my original post, is that I promised to be more… feminine. Not necessarily rocking a tutu on the treadmill and ball gowns to the grocery store; but think more along the lines of make up daily (ugh, pain in the ASS booty) and less cussing because I’m a motherfuckin LADY, and… not wearing so much black (this one hurts the most). I can hear my mother and Abue breathing a sigh of relief.

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My favorite so far, is the reading challenge.

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A book I COULD have finished in a day, had it not been for pesky daily routines… it took me two days instead, but the book is tiny :: A Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh I’ve been meaning to read this for awhile. I bought it when I was struggling with staying home with the kids, right after I had our son. What mom doesn’t feel that she is basically an unpaid maid? What mom feels as though she needs a solo vacation but abandons the idea when no one else seemingly knows how to fold laundry or start the dishwasher? We’ve all been there. I dealt with mom guilt a LOT, and this book has a great way of telling you IT IS OKAY to take time for yourself. It’s easy to read, or pick up where you left off. By the end it gets a bit redundant, but that’s just me. If you’re a mom, caregiver, or overworked in general, you NEED this book. Heed it’s advice.

A book I previously abandoned :: I hate admitting I’ve put down books and never picked them up again. A little backstory. Whenever I go to the library, I tend to pick up 5 books for me, a feat that is damn near impossible; the equivalent of my eyes being too big for my stomach. This particular book, I finally revisited. Escape from the Land of Snows: The Young Dalai Lama’s Harrowing Flight to Freedom and the Making of a Spiritual Hero is an excellent read, and I recommend it to everyone. Without giving too much away (obviously… we know the Dalai Lama makes it) it truly captures the tenacity and bravery of multiple individuals during the escape. It’ll make Jack Bauer look like a pansy. I will read this book again.

As far as the other resolutions go, I’m running quite often – in fact, this month alone, I have surpassed my mileage for totals of every month in 2015. I can’t believe I ran so little. Oh well. Waking up prior to the household has been going well, as has going to bed at 2100 (painfully early at times) and yoga is practiced on a daily basis to some degree.

YAY accomplishments. I’m sure you were dying to know.

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Until next time!

 

 

The Most Trivial Post of 2016

Nothing Special.

I realize my last post was a bit of a downer, and for that I apologize. It was hard to say goodbye to Shelby, but I think I underestimated how much our other pup would grieve. He’s always been a bit of a Velcro Dog, and this has tripled his anxiety and neediness. I don’t mind one bit, he has become a bit of a shadow, albeit a 90 pound one always underfoot. A thing in my house, trying to cuddle me – yeah, I’ll take it. Just, please, don’t breathe on me, you chicken poop fiend.

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Thanks to a small cough/cold/allergy/Oklahoma weather phenomenon, the kids where down and out last week for a couple of days, so I wasn’t able to get out. In trying to balance everything I want to do, I’ve decided to scale it back with the heavy lifting a little, to incorporate more running time. I am really liking this schedule. I truly hate the cardio bunny look, but I’m hoping to negate that with the lifting. I just want to run half marathons and have a squat booty, is that too much to ask!?

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Anyway, today I finally did some speed work. Much to my dismay, I did NOT die on the treadmill like I thought I was going to do. The flip side of that is it gave me a bit more confidence since I was able to huff and puff my way through 5 x 400s at an 7:36 average without vomiting. On a more hilarious note, with my 2.5 miles I did today, it brought my total for January to 9.25… LOL. What’s WORSE, is that my 11 days in January have put me above 8 out of 12 months totals from 2015. The month with the highest mileage was January, with 17.5. Gross. I’m hoping to surpass that within a week.

This week looks to be a bit loopy – random appointments as well as a trip to Florida to visit my Abue. A visit long overdue, and a very sad one, at best. If you could keep her in your thoughts, that’d be great, and even more so for her kids. But, that could be another blog post in and of itself.

I’m just radiating FUN lately, aren’t I!?

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Nothing Special.

I really don’t have a good title for this.

36 hours into the New Year and so far, so good. There’s so much going on for 2016, and I can’t wait for it to be set in stone to tell you!

For a few days now we’ve been fighting the holiday ‘hangover’  so to speak. Visitors left, and we’re in this weird lull before normal activities resume. I’m not looking forward to our daughter going back to school… this past summer we thought we were going to homeschool, before checking in with a last ditch effort that obviously panned out. I tried not to let it show, but I was devastated. I was really looking forward to homeschooling. The time that the kids are here is awesome, and we’re always doing something. Anyway, tomayto, tomahto… maybe in another life.

The past few days have been interesting. About a month ago I took our most-senior dog into the vet with what I thought was a limping issue. We have tons of ‘stuff’ in the backyard – thousands of pecan shells, random branches, etc., so we thought something was embedded in her paw. I walked into the vet with what I believed to be a healthy dog, and walked out with a dog with very aggressive bone cancer. We all know that dogs don’t last forever, but when it’s YOUR family dog, it becomes unfair. The vet didn’t expect her to last until Christmas, but we are so happy that she did. She got extra love from visiting family, and was petted and showered with affection every waking moment. Two nights ago, things took an even more downhill slide, requiring sedatives just for her to be comfortably sleeping. Husband made the painstaking decision that it was time. Timing is a very funny thing – because we have had a long weekend with her, we decided to take her out today; to the river, feeding her cheeseburgers, and letting her wander until she needed help.

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Shelby, I’m sorry I wasn’t a very good dog mom. I came into your life, and a whirlwind followed. We moved you from house to house, you took thousands of miles of car rides, introduced babies and even a cat (!) – which you took all into stride. You were maternal, patient, and so very loving. You were the epitome of the phrase: ‘stop and smell the roses.’ You never let your brother win tug of war, which was hilarious to watch as he thrashed his head on all fours versus your laying down, barely-grasping-with-your-teeth approach. You never met a patch of grass you didn’t like, you LOVED herding the chickens, and Hershey Bar wrappers had absolutely zero chance. I’m sorry I didn’t feed you more wholesome food, cuddle you more at night or that I complained about your shedding. I should have made more of an effort to understand that I came into your life. Thank you so much for being a part of mine. I will absolutely miss hearing your tail thud against the floor as I walk up to the house. I’ll miss your drive by kisses. But most of all, I’ll miss the way your daddy looks at you. We love you, Shellbell.

I really don’t have a good title for this.

2016 resolutions/promises/intentions

Well here I sit, another year gone by…

My sole resolution for 2015 was to not make it suck like 2014 did. Based on that alone, I blew it out of the water. Go, me! Sure, bumps in the road here and there, but nothing like the monstrosity of the year prior.

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Because I feel like I’m actually in a good place now, mentally and physically, I want to set more practical and descriptive intentions for 2016.

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There’s a chance, Kevin. A real good chance. But bear with me, these are actually do-able. Unlike your ability to not drive drunk.

Though I love a good challenge, I found that all of the running ones were a bit much. I ran 82 miles this year. EIGHTY. TWO. TOTAL. MILES. No way am I about to join the Goucher’s in their 2016 mile excursion, and iLoveToRun had an 1,000 mile option as well. I was enamored with the latter, until I realized that my marathon running, super high speed sister in law ran around 1,100 miles – and there’s no way I can keep up with that. So, my ‘running’ resolution this year is to simply run more miles each month. This will give me January to get my legs back, then February a solid base, and so on and so forth. It will become more challenging as the year goes on, but whatever!

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Another intention I have is to wake up 30 minutes earlier than the household and start the day in complete solitude. Ideally, this means yoga or meditations, journaling or even cuddling on the couch with tea. This does NOT mean glancing at the planner, scrolling my Twitter feed, or going back to sleep. I did this in 2014 and it went well until The Thing, and then I lost all hope. I’m most excited for this, because I was totally rocking life and waking up happy (!!)

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For my last physical resolution, I found a quirky little Reading Challenge online. I already have a list of books correlating to their appropriate task, so I’m good to go. I’m really excited about this one, and I have PLENTY of books I’ve been meaning to read. Also, more time spent with my nose in a book means less interaction with people. We all benefit from this, trust me.

Now, for the mental part of 2016. I don’t even know where to begin. The unknown does not rattle me, in any way shape or form. While most individuals tend to slink away at the thought of a major life change, I’m the first to seek out FUN and EXCITEMENT even if it means suspending reality for a moment or two. OH, getting out of the Army? Excellent!!!! Let’s move to Peru and live like royalty! WHEEE!! If there’s anything that 2014/2015 taught me, it’s that following my intuition and finding my own happiness is absolutely key in making life work.

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Yes, Emma, it really is. Because once you stop being such a miserable COW and hating life and everything in it’s dark, gloomy, humid, non-chocolate existing world… you get this glimpse of hope and you ride that sumbitch into the sunset that you get to make yourself. It’s awesome.

I really am God-awful at time management though, so I suppose I can make a greater effort at that. I GUESS. I mean… if I absolutely HAVE too.

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Hope y’all are having a safe end to 2015, and may 2016 be your best year yet!

2016 resolutions/promises/intentions

Hello.

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Tired of that song yet? ;)

WELL, WELL, WELL. Where to begin.

Life has been quite interesting lately. Husband has made the decision that military life is a chapter that the family can start closing, and we’re doing just that. Though we still have a few months left, it’s a bit freeing but also immensely panic inducing. Jobs range far and wide, as well as schooling options, from Ohio to Oregon. It’s pretty cool to dream about different places, and have the freedom to chose a spot relatively close to family. That’s the main focus in the search – family. A close second is ensuring I can have  my chickens. Ha!

Anyway, in addition to all that, we’re putting out fires left and right. Tenants in San Antonio left us high and dry, the car windows were busted out by some punk with too much free time, the dog is dying and I’m pretty sure if I go on it will turn into a country song.

The good news in all this is that physical activity, when it happens, is quite stress reducing. I truly do want to start running half marathons again, as well as keeping the focus on weight training and yoga. Though the future is unknown I think I’ll start training for a fall race – mainly because training for a spring one means winter running… and… NO.

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I think the only race I can *kind* of count on is the Air Force half marathon. I only mention this because I have a myriad of options for lodging/transportation/travel. I’ll have to look at calendars, apparently during my two year running hiatus different races moved around in their schedules dramatically… looking at you San Antonio RnR. I remember when that race was held in mid-November!

I sought out to re-start this blog in hopes to really stick to running more, and now that I have, a million and one ideas are pouring out of my brain. Good stuff. Here in the next few weeks I’ll be sharing my resolution (ugh, hate the phrase) post, as well as some things that have changed personally for me in the past few years. I am excited to be back, in both aspects – that’s for sure.

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Hello.

Holy Hell.

One day, I’ll learn my lesson about moseying out onto the Oklahoma, un-shaded roads without proper hydration in the mid morning. While the heat here is almost guaranteed, I don’t remember the past few years being so HUMID. We recently came out of a rain that eradicated SIX years of drought in about 23 days. It was ridiculous. Though the heavier rains are over, there is still standing water, which makes it very unpleasant just being outside.

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Anyway, the run this morning was interesting, I stopped about every quarter mile, embarrassingly enough. 30something minutes later, I got back to the car, just three miles later. Getting cardio strength back sucks, even more so when weather is working.

By now I’m sure you’re wondering what I decided on in regards to shoes. Originally I wanted to pick up the PureFlows at the half marathon training kickoff event, but opted to go up to the City (cue banjos) and hit up a running store to try on Newton’s. I was sold. The PoP2 system is unlike anything I’ve run in, and while I was exhausted during the run, my form didn’t wane. I also noticed my left knee and right hip weren’t having issues – but I also realize this very well could be a placebo effect or a change in surface. Who knows. I got the Kismets in bright ass yellow which I can’t stand but will overlook for quality.

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And, lastly, the 5k I was supposed to run this morning was cancelled because a whopping 18 people signed up. This town is tiny… and you would THINK that race directors would talk to one another… but in total, there were three races today. One trail run on post that preceded a family day at the lake, another being a color run, and the one I was to attend, which was followed by a festival. I have a whole different blog post planned about the city v. post dynamics, of which this will be the highlight of. I try very hard to like this town. I really do.

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Holy Hell.