2016 So Far

40 days into 2016 and I already feel the need to analyze how resolutions are going, because no one is holding me accountable otherwise.

Running :: improve on mileage every month. January brought a whopping 17.25 miles. WATCH OUT, SCOTT JUREK. My personal goal for February is 20, which, again sounds laughable… which means it’s doable. But whatever. I am confident once races pop up on my calendar I’ll care more. But until then, I’d like to survive the rest of winter with minimal treadmill running.

Did I resolve to balance weights and yoga more? I can’t remember. Either way, I’m fumbling right along with it. A week or so ago I went to the chiropractor for the first time in my life, and found out I have a weird curve in my neck. I can’t even find a google image of it – it’s not going forwards or back, but side to side, and the rest of my spine is ‘remarkable’ – Bizarre.

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It explains a LOT of issues that I thought were just old age or injuries, but so long as I get adjusted and keep ‘the weights light’ I will be fine. I’m really not sure what to make of the latter; if I can’t lift heavy, why lift at all? My brain still doesn’t want to accept this answer. As far as yoga goes, things are well there, and I am LOVING my class. For years I did an at home practice, because anxiety rules my life but I could not have picked a better class to go to. In fact, I’m even going to a workshop this weekend.

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Waking up early to be productive :: this is back and forth. When I do wake up early, yes I am productive. However, we have a puppy now (!!!) which means a lot of night waking and early mornings… but I’m rolling with it and things are going well so far. Long story short, I am using the espresso machine a lot, which means basically everyone wins. I also go to bed almost every night at 2100, which is kind of a pain in the ass, but helps a lot.

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Reading challenge :: Going well, I am currently working on ticking another box off, but I can’t decide which category it falls under. Meh. I picked the book out for a reason – it’s the one I was looking forward to the least, but I know once I’m done with it I can move on to the ones I was really excited to do!

Time management :: This is the internet and I can say what I want, so YES, TOTALLY DOING THE THING WITH TIME MANAGEMENT.

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And, for good measure, here’s a picture of the puppy. She’s awesome and SO FLUFFY. We don’t know what she is, exactly, but we’re guessing a Pyrenees and Shepherd mix.

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2016 So Far

Yogging and Periscope.

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It’s amazing how soul refreshing hitting the tiny little publish button is. That simple decision was quite the catalyst to numerous comments and texts. I thank you, from the bottom of my Grinch heart.

My heart has been a bit heavy today as I feel as though I should be in Florida for Abue’s services. I have no doubt they were absolutely beautiful, and that everyone attending is exhausted emotionally but I truly hope that they leave with more of a fulfilled state of mind. To know my Abue was to know a free thinking dreamer who TRULY enjoyed life – I hope that’s what everyone talked about today – that she really left nothing on the table when doing things and had a content, full of love, life and laughter.

Otherwise, today was the perfect start to the weekend. Though I haven’t been quiet about how much I dislike being in Lawton, Oklahoma I do try to ‘bloom where I’m planted.’ When we were first here a few years ago, it was during the winter and NOTHING was in town – however I knew my stay would be about 3 months. Fast forward a bit, and after a stint at the ever beautiful Fort Lewis, we are back here again, for what seems like a penance for a crime committed in a past life. But, back to positivity. (also, there’s a Target here now, AND a local running club. Little things.)

This morning we went to a cute little market hosted by a local family farm and it was awesome. The farm owners were there, the atmosphere was warm and friendly, and produce looked great – all for a very fair price. I *may* have had a peanut butter brownie that was absolutely DIVINE. If you’re in the Lawton/Fort Sill area, I urge you to check out Murphy’s Farms. I believe they also have a shop in Duncan, if I remember correctly. Viridian Coffee was also there, and I CANNOT wait to get into my purchase from them – the smell has permeated throughout the house all day and I am eager to wake up in the morning just to have their coffee. Yay small, local businesses!

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I promise to stop with the GIFs and start posting real pictures. At some point.

We came home and I decided to go for a run around the neighborhood. If you have been to Lawton, I can hear you gasping from here, and yes, I am alive to type this. I’ve included a link to local crime data, only because I can’t decide which infographic to put up that won’t alarm my mother. So, a slight offshoot that I promise will make sense in a second- my brother in law and his family pick up coins they find on runs to donate to a charity at the end of the year. I believe they have done this for a few years now, and employers match it, by this time I’m sure the total is in the thousands. My sister in law is SO good at finding a decent chunk of change, I think there have been a few $20 bills at some point. Anyway, every time I go for a run in town, I am scouring the street in vain for a mere penny. NEVER have I found money on the streets here, however today I noted dozens of cigarette butts, cigar tips, trash, beer cans, and a broken bong. For a split second I thought about doing the right thing and taking plastic bags with me to clean up the neighborhood… but then I had a flashback to seeing a hyperdermic needle on the sidewalk during a family bike ride…

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Sounds like I need to start running on the East Side. Or actually on Fort Sill.

Anyway, aside from the plethora of trash around the neighborhood, the run was monotonous and uneventful. To be fair, our street is a main thoroughfare in town, and has a TON of walking traffic. So, really, I blame the lazy folks. After a couple of miles I looped back around to the house where our daughter was standing patiently by to go out for another mile. I absolutely love running with her, and she’s excited to go farther tomorrow.

I’m hoping to knock the run out early, so that I can not only catch the Super Bowl, but also tune into Periscope for what is bound to be the scope of the YEAR. Yes, I realize it is only February, but believe me, this is going to be good. Judy Martene will be hosting Peripreneurs, and her life story will absolutely leave you floored. I mentioned my global support network that I have absolutely zero business being a part of, and we are honored with Judy’s presence daily. Whenever someone is struggling or whomever needs a voice of reason – Judy is there, quick with kind words and warm grace. When she revealed a bit of her past to us, I was astounded. To know a fraction of what she’s gone through and persevered like she has… I truly admire her strength. This is not a scope to miss, that’s for sure! You’ll want to follow Peripreneurs on Periscope, but you can also catch us on Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat. If you really want to get involved (which I urge you to do!) join us in running conversation on Band.

 

Yogging and Periscope.

Deeper Than Most

Well here I am again, having completely lost motivation for most everything. I consider keeping the kids and animals alive a success, with little to no emotional scarring. My personal training certification materials sit, closed, on the nightstand, gathering dust. My running shoes stay seemingly frozen in time in the back of the closet, askew from when I threw them in there a few weeks ago.

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I really don’t know what happened or why I seem to continuously get myself into the stupid abyss of BLEH. Ironically, a few months ago, I reached out to Behavioral Health and spoke with some counselors (therapists? honestly, it could have been the front desk clerk and I’d be none the wiser.) I felt better little by little, and eventually started ignoring their calls because ‘I WAS TOTALLY FINE AND NOTHING WAS EVER WRONG ANY MORE, GUYS!!’ – so much so that I became increasingly annoyed when their caller ID popped up on the phone, which is dumb, because it’s their JOB.

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Then, out of nowhere, like a sucker punch to the jaw, a switch flipped and there I went. Completely uninterested. Shit always seems to get to me, and I don’t know why I let it. I’ve written about this in the past, and I really don’t know exactly what it is. Right now, in this very moment, I feel as though I’m just being lazy and refusing to work on myself. But, WHY. Why do I do this? Why do I let ‘me’ talk me out of yoga, lifting, or running? Why do I let ‘me’ snap at the kids when they’re just being kids? Like previous times, friends used to my reaching out, continue to reach out and I ignore them or skirt right on past making commitments. I don’t get it. People care for me, yet here I am, willing my phone to spontaneously combust into flames so I have an excuse. Wallowing in my own bullshit. Sigh.

As a disclaimer – I will say that I don’t feel like this all of the time. It ebbs and flows, which confuses the HELL out of me. Is it depression? Anxiety? I don’t have a freaking clue. What makes this paradox even more frustrating is that one day I will wake up and LOVE everything again. As quickly as the black cloud came, it will leave. I will lace up the shoes like nothing happened, insist on mommy/daughter dates, and fill up the social calendar while scoffing at my husband when he says there’s too much going on.

This time around, I have made a valiant effort to try and not let it get to me. Though my intentions are purely selfish [i.e., not falling further into my hole] it has been working. I am again reaching out to my global little group of masterminds that fill my heart with energy and drive. I am suggesting play dates (!!) in public places (!!!) and stepping completely out of my comfort zone. During conversations I try desperately to ask a million questions and validate that ‘yes, i am doing the thing! totally doing this and rocking socialization’. Yes, sometimes it backfires. But sometimes it’s worth it. I can see and FEEL the light trying to hard to shine.

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A little part of me died when my Abue passed. She was so full of life, fun, charisma, spitfire, and a million adjectives more. I could go on and on, but well into her 70’s she would accompany her grandkids to hookah bars and out last them by hours. People have a way of shaping your life, without you realizing it. As a child, I knew I could skip my mom, if Abue was around. I now know that it is a quasi rite of passage in family dynamics, but it was ‘SO COOL’ when Abue let me get away with ‘it’. As a teen, when everyone sucked and I was seemingly angry at nothing, Abue saw right through it. I remember to this day, her telling me to follow my heart, my dreams, my aspirations. To be writing this and feeling the shit storm within me feels so contradictory to how she lived!! I went off on a tangent… To be honest, it’s not fair to her, ha!

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Anyway, if you’re reading this and feel sorry for me – don’t. I read so many blogs/Tweets/Facebook posts that seem to be **perfect** all the time, and to me it is not very realistic. I’m not saying that perfect people don’t have their hardships, and maybe this post is considered airing dirty laundry but it’s what makes blossoming THAT much more beautiful to me. Those born with a silver spoon in their mouth, being handed everything in life will learn nothing. On paper, my life is perfect. And, I would agree. I just wish my mind would learn to play along as well. But hey, no mud, no lotus, right?

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I promise my next post will be back to normal. And, if you’ve read in the past – you know it will be. It’s just how my tiny little corner of the internet works.

Deeper Than Most

The Most Trivial Post of 2016

Well so far, 2016 has been interesting.

I’m drafting another post that I’ll hopefully publish soon, but it is in the same vein of the previous post, and I figured I would split the sadness up with a trivial post, so here it is. Foreshadowing!

24 days in, and I’m already rocking my resolutions. One I didn’t mention in my original post, is that I promised to be more… feminine. Not necessarily rocking a tutu on the treadmill and ball gowns to the grocery store; but think more along the lines of make up daily (ugh, pain in the ASS booty) and less cussing because I’m a motherfuckin LADY, and… not wearing so much black (this one hurts the most). I can hear my mother and Abue breathing a sigh of relief.

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My favorite so far, is the reading challenge.

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A book I COULD have finished in a day, had it not been for pesky daily routines… it took me two days instead, but the book is tiny :: A Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh I’ve been meaning to read this for awhile. I bought it when I was struggling with staying home with the kids, right after I had our son. What mom doesn’t feel that she is basically an unpaid maid? What mom feels as though she needs a solo vacation but abandons the idea when no one else seemingly knows how to fold laundry or start the dishwasher? We’ve all been there. I dealt with mom guilt a LOT, and this book has a great way of telling you IT IS OKAY to take time for yourself. It’s easy to read, or pick up where you left off. By the end it gets a bit redundant, but that’s just me. If you’re a mom, caregiver, or overworked in general, you NEED this book. Heed it’s advice.

A book I previously abandoned :: I hate admitting I’ve put down books and never picked them up again. A little backstory. Whenever I go to the library, I tend to pick up 5 books for me, a feat that is damn near impossible; the equivalent of my eyes being too big for my stomach. This particular book, I finally revisited. Escape from the Land of Snows: The Young Dalai Lama’s Harrowing Flight to Freedom and the Making of a Spiritual Hero is an excellent read, and I recommend it to everyone. Without giving too much away (obviously… we know the Dalai Lama makes it) it truly captures the tenacity and bravery of multiple individuals during the escape. It’ll make Jack Bauer look like a pansy. I will read this book again.

As far as the other resolutions go, I’m running quite often – in fact, this month alone, I have surpassed my mileage for totals of every month in 2015. I can’t believe I ran so little. Oh well. Waking up prior to the household has been going well, as has going to bed at 2100 (painfully early at times) and yoga is practiced on a daily basis to some degree.

YAY accomplishments. I’m sure you were dying to know.

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Until next time!

 

 

The Most Trivial Post of 2016

Nothing Special.

I realize my last post was a bit of a downer, and for that I apologize. It was hard to say goodbye to Shelby, but I think I underestimated how much our other pup would grieve. He’s always been a bit of a Velcro Dog, and this has tripled his anxiety and neediness. I don’t mind one bit, he has become a bit of a shadow, albeit a 90 pound one always underfoot. A thing in my house, trying to cuddle me – yeah, I’ll take it. Just, please, don’t breathe on me, you chicken poop fiend.

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Thanks to a small cough/cold/allergy/Oklahoma weather phenomenon, the kids where down and out last week for a couple of days, so I wasn’t able to get out. In trying to balance everything I want to do, I’ve decided to scale it back with the heavy lifting a little, to incorporate more running time. I am really liking this schedule. I truly hate the cardio bunny look, but I’m hoping to negate that with the lifting. I just want to run half marathons and have a squat booty, is that too much to ask!?

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Anyway, today I finally did some speed work. Much to my dismay, I did NOT die on the treadmill like I thought I was going to do. The flip side of that is it gave me a bit more confidence since I was able to huff and puff my way through 5 x 400s at an 7:36 average without vomiting. On a more hilarious note, with my 2.5 miles I did today, it brought my total for January to 9.25… LOL. What’s WORSE, is that my 11 days in January have put me above 8 out of 12 months totals from 2015. The month with the highest mileage was January, with 17.5. Gross. I’m hoping to surpass that within a week.

This week looks to be a bit loopy – random appointments as well as a trip to Florida to visit my Abue. A visit long overdue, and a very sad one, at best. If you could keep her in your thoughts, that’d be great, and even more so for her kids. But, that could be another blog post in and of itself.

I’m just radiating FUN lately, aren’t I!?

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Nothing Special.

I really don’t have a good title for this.

36 hours into the New Year and so far, so good. There’s so much going on for 2016, and I can’t wait for it to be set in stone to tell you!

For a few days now we’ve been fighting the holiday ‘hangover’  so to speak. Visitors left, and we’re in this weird lull before normal activities resume. I’m not looking forward to our daughter going back to school… this past summer we thought we were going to homeschool, before checking in with a last ditch effort that obviously panned out. I tried not to let it show, but I was devastated. I was really looking forward to homeschooling. The time that the kids are here is awesome, and we’re always doing something. Anyway, tomayto, tomahto… maybe in another life.

The past few days have been interesting. About a month ago I took our most-senior dog into the vet with what I thought was a limping issue. We have tons of ‘stuff’ in the backyard – thousands of pecan shells, random branches, etc., so we thought something was embedded in her paw. I walked into the vet with what I believed to be a healthy dog, and walked out with a dog with very aggressive bone cancer. We all know that dogs don’t last forever, but when it’s YOUR family dog, it becomes unfair. The vet didn’t expect her to last until Christmas, but we are so happy that she did. She got extra love from visiting family, and was petted and showered with affection every waking moment. Two nights ago, things took an even more downhill slide, requiring sedatives just for her to be comfortably sleeping. Husband made the painstaking decision that it was time. Timing is a very funny thing – because we have had a long weekend with her, we decided to take her out today; to the river, feeding her cheeseburgers, and letting her wander until she needed help.

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Shelby, I’m sorry I wasn’t a very good dog mom. I came into your life, and a whirlwind followed. We moved you from house to house, you took thousands of miles of car rides, introduced babies and even a cat (!) – which you took all into stride. You were maternal, patient, and so very loving. You were the epitome of the phrase: ‘stop and smell the roses.’ You never let your brother win tug of war, which was hilarious to watch as he thrashed his head on all fours versus your laying down, barely-grasping-with-your-teeth approach. You never met a patch of grass you didn’t like, you LOVED herding the chickens, and Hershey Bar wrappers had absolutely zero chance. I’m sorry I didn’t feed you more wholesome food, cuddle you more at night or that I complained about your shedding. I should have made more of an effort to understand that I came into your life. Thank you so much for being a part of mine. I will absolutely miss hearing your tail thud against the floor as I walk up to the house. I’ll miss your drive by kisses. But most of all, I’ll miss the way your daddy looks at you. We love you, Shellbell.

I really don’t have a good title for this.

2016 resolutions/promises/intentions

Well here I sit, another year gone by…

My sole resolution for 2015 was to not make it suck like 2014 did. Based on that alone, I blew it out of the water. Go, me! Sure, bumps in the road here and there, but nothing like the monstrosity of the year prior.

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Because I feel like I’m actually in a good place now, mentally and physically, I want to set more practical and descriptive intentions for 2016.

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There’s a chance, Kevin. A real good chance. But bear with me, these are actually do-able. Unlike your ability to not drive drunk.

Though I love a good challenge, I found that all of the running ones were a bit much. I ran 82 miles this year. EIGHTY. TWO. TOTAL. MILES. No way am I about to join the Goucher’s in their 2016 mile excursion, and iLoveToRun had an 1,000 mile option as well. I was enamored with the latter, until I realized that my marathon running, super high speed sister in law ran around 1,100 miles – and there’s no way I can keep up with that. So, my ‘running’ resolution this year is to simply run more miles each month. This will give me January to get my legs back, then February a solid base, and so on and so forth. It will become more challenging as the year goes on, but whatever!

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Another intention I have is to wake up 30 minutes earlier than the household and start the day in complete solitude. Ideally, this means yoga or meditations, journaling or even cuddling on the couch with tea. This does NOT mean glancing at the planner, scrolling my Twitter feed, or going back to sleep. I did this in 2014 and it went well until The Thing, and then I lost all hope. I’m most excited for this, because I was totally rocking life and waking up happy (!!)

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For my last physical resolution, I found a quirky little Reading Challenge online. I already have a list of books correlating to their appropriate task, so I’m good to go. I’m really excited about this one, and I have PLENTY of books I’ve been meaning to read. Also, more time spent with my nose in a book means less interaction with people. We all benefit from this, trust me.

Now, for the mental part of 2016. I don’t even know where to begin. The unknown does not rattle me, in any way shape or form. While most individuals tend to slink away at the thought of a major life change, I’m the first to seek out FUN and EXCITEMENT even if it means suspending reality for a moment or two. OH, getting out of the Army? Excellent!!!! Let’s move to Peru and live like royalty! WHEEE!! If there’s anything that 2014/2015 taught me, it’s that following my intuition and finding my own happiness is absolutely key in making life work.

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Yes, Emma, it really is. Because once you stop being such a miserable COW and hating life and everything in it’s dark, gloomy, humid, non-chocolate existing world… you get this glimpse of hope and you ride that sumbitch into the sunset that you get to make yourself. It’s awesome.

I really am God-awful at time management though, so I suppose I can make a greater effort at that. I GUESS. I mean… if I absolutely HAVE too.

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Hope y’all are having a safe end to 2015, and may 2016 be your best year yet!

2016 resolutions/promises/intentions